Things I know!

This morning I was praying for some friends in Singapore. Kelly was a member of my Breaking Free Bible study last year and one of those people who are so bright and enthusiastic that I would often find myself thinking “maybe she should be leading this study instead of me”. In March of this year Kelly’s little girl Jillian was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney and she found herself in the position of being the mother of a terribly ill child. Jillian went in for further testing and before we knew it she had undergone an eleven hour surgery to remove the tumor and her kidney. Then the slow and painful process of chemotherapy started. Kelly of course couldn’t continue in Bible study but we stayed in touch through e-mails and an incredible website called Caring Bridge that allows people going through crisis illness/loss to keep friends and family posted on the situation without having to address everyone individually. (My friend Martha told me about it and I passed the information on to Kelly) Anyway, today is November 17, 2008 and Jillian and her family have been living with cancer now for eight months. Jillian’s condition is progressively worsening. She’s been in the ICU for more than a week now and a few days ago, with her blood pressure dropping and her remaining kidney having failed the doctor’s took Kelly and her husband Jon aside to let them know the end was probably near and they needed to make some decisions about what to do for Jillian. Jillian is three.

That’s the background information.

This morning I was praying and I found myself telling God “I know you have a purpose but I just don’t get you”. Why would it be so hard? How can this little girl and her family’s intense suffering end in good? It brought me back to a time in my own life when the suffering of someone else made a profound impact on me. In December of 1998 I was pregnant and so was a good friend, Jody. I had a miscarriage about 8 weeks into my pregnancy but Jody was doing well and I was a little depressed. Since I’d already had two children I was not as affected by miscarriage as many women are and as a nurse I knew that pregnancies that end that early often do so because of a major malformation.

I will always remember where I was when I heard the news about Jody’s baby. Our small fellowship group was having a little Christmas get together and someone asked me if I’d heard about Jody’s baby. I of course had no idea what they were talking about and that’s when I discovered that Jody’s baby had been diagnosed as anencephalic. For those unfamiliar with anencephaly it is a condition where the brain above the brain stem does not develop in the fetus and in fact sometimes the top of the head itself doesn’t develop at all. In medical lingo it is “incompatible with life”. Jody and her husband David made the incredibly difficult decision to carry their baby, who they named Emily, to term. They felt strongly that abortion is always wrong and decided that they would leave the situation in God’s hands.

I admired them for being so strong but I thought they were wrong. I had not been pro-life for very long but I believed that there are situations where abortion is an appropriate choice and I felt like anencephaly was one of them. I was talking about David and Jody’s situation with my friend Martha who had actually been the one to change my position on the abortion issue (I’ll tell that story another time). I was going on about how I felt like David and Jody were putting themselves through unnecessary grief and Martha said something I’ll always remember. She said “but Lorri, don’t you think to have an abortion would rob God of the opportunity of performing a miracle?” It was an interesting perspective and one I would never have thought of. The more I considered what Martha said the more I thought that she might actually be right. She went on to say that she wasn’t saying God would perform a miracle merely that it is not our job to interfere, that he has a purpose. After talking to Martha my entire attitude to Jody’s pregnancy changed. Rick and I talked about all that they were going through and it had an incredible impact on our lives. We got closer to Jody and David, spent time with them and in many ways learned from them. Emily died within a few minutes of her birth and even through their heartbreak you could tell that Jody and David just hung on to God and his promises to them. Emily was buried in a special cemetery for babies, it is situated under a GIANT live oak tree and the limbs of the tree are full of wind chimes. Whenever you go to her grave you can hear the tinkling of wind chimes all around you. It’s a beautiful place. Emily was born in January of 1999 and a little while later Jody got pregnant again. So did I. Eighteen weeks into my pregnancy I discovered that my baby had a congenital heart defect and Down syndrome, at twenty-eight weeks they told us about his pulmonary hypoplasia and gave us the news that he probably wouldn’t survive more than 24 hours. We were offered an abortion repeatedly but I have to tell you that one of the reasons I refused, and the main reason Rick refused, was the example we’d been set by Jody and David. Rick has often said that he could never have found the strength to endure those months if he hadn’t watched Jody and David go through what they’d been through. Their faith and courage meant so much more than they can ever know and I firmly believe that if it hadn’t been for Emily, Paul may not ever have been born!

This morning I was praying for Kelly, Jon and Jillian and I found myself telling God “I know you have a purpose but I don’t see it”. I wonder if Jody prayed that same prayer? I don’t believe that God let Emily die so Paul could live, I don’t want there to be any confusion on that issue. EVERY life is precious to God. But I do believe that God took the suffering of Jody and David and used it for good. I believe that one of the purposes of Emily’s short life was to save Paul from his own parents. Jesus said “in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world”. I know that is true just like I know that once you’ve given your life to God you’ve given him the authority and right to do what he likes with it; to achieve his purposes through you. I know from reading Caring Bridge that Kelly and Jon have been a light pointing people to God right there in the ICU of NUS hospital in Singapore. I know that they trust God with Jillian and I know that as hard as this time is to endure they will look back at it (irregardless of the outcome and don’t get me wrong, I’m still praying for a miracle) and recognize God’s hand. They will see that He had a plan all along and they will have been a light to someone else the way Jody and David were a light to us.

Praise God!