I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes marriage work, specifically my own. Part of the reason this is on my mind is that I had a little discussion about it yesterday with, of all people, a used car salesman. Kevin was a young man who while we were looking at cars told me he is engaged, and is very excited about it. I told him that getting married was the smartest thing I'd ever done and I find it kind of cool that that is still true after 20+ years. We talked through 5 test drives about the give and take of being married and the impact having parents with good marriages makes on one's own marriage. He was one of the best car salesmen I've met and I'm definitely going back to buy a car from him. He also got to see in practice a bit of the give and take I was talking about.
Right now Rick and Stephen are backpacking at the National Boy Scout camp in Philmont. This 12 day hiking trip was planned before we knew we'd be moving back to the states and I have to say it couldn't be more inconvenient. I can't do anything without Rick! That may sound like a whiny exaggeration but it's actually the truth...I mean I drove 5 cars yesterday, one that I would have purchased immediately if Rick had been with me but since he wasn't it will have to wait. (the frustrating part is that it's a used car and it probably won't be there when he gets back!) The same thing is happening with house-hunting. I found one I ABSOLUTELY love but it's a foreclosure and chances are again very good that it will be gone by the time Rick gets home.
BTW, I realize that God is teaching me a lesson about waiting and not getting my heart (and mind) focused on a thing! If that house and that car are God's will then they'll be there when I can purchase them...and if they're not God's will I'm much better off without them! I really do want to be in God's will but I will confess that sometimes it would be better if I wanted it more!
Anyway, I got a bit off topic but back to the subject of marriage. I could tell that Kevin really wanted me to buy the car (and like I've said I would also have liked for me to buy the car) but after our earlier conversation I pointed out to him that making a major purchase is something married people do together. That's one of the things that make marriage work. And while I've been frustrated shopping without Rick and often feel like I'm wasting my time, deep down I know that I'm not. I'll narrow the house field down to 5 or 6 that I really like and then we'll look at them together and decide what's right for us. We've actually been using this system since before we were married. When we were engaged we needed to choose a china pattern and while I loved looking at china patterns Rick had other things he preferred to spend his time on. So...I chose three patterns that I liked and Rick looked at the three and said "that one". This may seem like an overly simple system but we've found that it works in our marriage. The truth is that I often can't make a final decision, more than one thing appeals to me, and Rick is able to judge more objectively and look at function over form (something I think a lot of women struggle with).Our system works to our strengths and I believe it is also Biblical. It keeps Rick in the position of leadership which is important in marriage.
Just some thoughts for today...now I'm off to look at more houses!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Catching up!
Well, I just realized it's been more than a month since I wrote anything. An international move will do that to you. At this moment we are in an apartment that is maybe 950 square feet (quite a change from the more than 4000 we were enjoying in Singapore). Our air shipment arrived today and I'm looking forward to being able to cook in my own wok again!
Something I studied in nursing school was stress as a predictor of illness. Most of you have seen this thing somewhere, it lists stressful situations and prescribes them a point value up to 100 points. Loss of a spouse is 100 points, divorce is 75 points so forth and so on, even Christmas gets a point value. A score of more than 300 puts one at high risk for stress-related illness. Well, I was calculating some of my stressors, international move, child leaving home, major purchase of car or appliances (3 cars, washer & dryer, lawn mower et al), mortgage application, new school...the list just goes on and on. Then add in that Rick has all the same ones I do plus a new job and the fact that while I get to be married to him he has to be married to me (far more stressful!) and you can see we're feeling a bit overwhelmed!
Anyway...I didn't write all this for sympathy (but if you want to give me some I'd be happy to take it) I wrote it to talk about something related but different, ways to deal with anger. I have a natural tendency to express stress and anxiety as anger. (Rick tends to withdraw into himself which is why he's easier to live with than I am) And anger has been the big thing the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of ever since I did Breaking Free. In fact one of the things Beth Moore suggested in that study that has been a big help to me is to get some 3x5 cards and look up all the Bible verses related to your area of bondage. Then, when you're feeling the need for wise words you can look up your verses. Well, I have about 35 3x5 cards on a little ring that I try to always have nearby. Some of my favorites are Proverbs 29:11 "A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back." and Isaiah 58:9b-10 "If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness and give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday." and James 1:19-20 "This you know, my beloved brethren, But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."
Anyway, just wanted to share something that's been helping me to control anger and ask you to pray for me to keep it up. I'll try to post more frequently now that we're in Houston and I'm online again! God Bless
Something I studied in nursing school was stress as a predictor of illness. Most of you have seen this thing somewhere, it lists stressful situations and prescribes them a point value up to 100 points. Loss of a spouse is 100 points, divorce is 75 points so forth and so on, even Christmas gets a point value. A score of more than 300 puts one at high risk for stress-related illness. Well, I was calculating some of my stressors, international move, child leaving home, major purchase of car or appliances (3 cars, washer & dryer, lawn mower et al), mortgage application, new school...the list just goes on and on. Then add in that Rick has all the same ones I do plus a new job and the fact that while I get to be married to him he has to be married to me (far more stressful!) and you can see we're feeling a bit overwhelmed!
Anyway...I didn't write all this for sympathy (but if you want to give me some I'd be happy to take it) I wrote it to talk about something related but different, ways to deal with anger. I have a natural tendency to express stress and anxiety as anger. (Rick tends to withdraw into himself which is why he's easier to live with than I am) And anger has been the big thing the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of ever since I did Breaking Free. In fact one of the things Beth Moore suggested in that study that has been a big help to me is to get some 3x5 cards and look up all the Bible verses related to your area of bondage. Then, when you're feeling the need for wise words you can look up your verses. Well, I have about 35 3x5 cards on a little ring that I try to always have nearby. Some of my favorites are Proverbs 29:11 "A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back." and Isaiah 58:9b-10 "If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness and give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday." and James 1:19-20 "This you know, my beloved brethren, But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."
Anyway, just wanted to share something that's been helping me to control anger and ask you to pray for me to keep it up. I'll try to post more frequently now that we're in Houston and I'm online again! God Bless
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