I just got out of church and there was a BIG presentation about an online evangelism that our church is apparently going to start supporting. This presentation completely took the place of our sermon today. I have to admit that I have serious problems with this type of ministry. The presenters, and I have to confess I don't remember their names or that of their organization (probably not an accident) began with a presentation about numbers....ALL about numbers.
How many people use the internet, how many people are in China and India, how many people communicate by smart phone, the percentage of homes in a variety of countries that have wide band internet access, how many children in India have high IQ's, how many babies were born in the U.S. during the presentation, how many born in China and how many in India. The point being of course to let us know that internet communication is the wave of the future and they believe Christians need to jump on the bandwagon. Something I wholeheartedly disagree with!
I do not think this kind of ministry has any depth. I once heard Beth Moore talking about our current widespread communication...facebook, cell phones, e-mail, twitter and she said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "it's 500 miles wide and about a centimeter deep". That's how I feel about this type of evangelism. It's shallow and essentially meaningless. There's certainly no depth to it and it is really just a numbers game.
In the course of the presentation one of the presenters said something that I noticed, he pointed out that you could do it "as much or as little as you want". Something in those words really offended me. That is not what Jesus taught. Jesus taught that you are to give yourself wholeheartedly to God. That when you choose to become his disciple you need to count the cost and recognize what that decision entails. It isn't something that you get to compartmentalize and it's supposed to be a pervasive part of your life.
It's the perfect type of "missionary" work for men. No actual personal contact is necessary and you can choose to ignore messages you don't want to hear. The people who "make a decision" or "accept Christ" are anonymous and the man today emphasized that anonymity. All of the names he gave were first names only. He talked about a message he'd received from someone in Africa who expressed the desire to be a Christian but who didn't want to go to a local church "if anybody see me". In other words saying that through this medium he was free to be an anonymous Christian. But Jesus said "Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 10:32, NAS). I've always believed that verse means that our public confession of Jesus is necessary. The people who go to the internet searching for Jesus, especially those who live in free nations, can avoid going to real people in real churches for the answers to their questions. Instead they can go to someone they'll never meet in person. That person can become perfect in their own minds and they don't have to deal with the fact that real Christians are not perfect. I think it's the perfect set-up for long-term disappointment. For me the whole thing is oddly reminiscent of online pornography, men making contact (often merely visual) with women who are physically perfect and make no demands and the end result being that real women cannot ever live up to those standards.
Because of "technical difficulties" the beginning of the presentation was almost a picture for what I'm talking about. The presenter's back was turned to a congregation of real people while he fiddled with a computer.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
QUIET TIME
I've been doing a new Bible study alone. One of the things in my walk that I struggle with is having a regular quiet time. I purchased a devotional study book several months ago and have successfully avoided using it for quite a while. I've finally started to spend time every in devotion. The book is by Beth Moore and is called Jesus; 90 Days With the One and Only (a whole different point here is that I really am trying to make my devotion very, very JESUS focused).
In true Beth Moore fashion she's always asking questions that require a lot of self-examination along with scripture examination. This morning the question that got to me was "What would be different or would have to change about God's "good news" if it wasn't intended for "all people"?"
The whole thought process that this question initiated brought me back to Rob's sermon this past Sunday. Rob (my church's youth pastor) was substituting for our regular senior pastor and I always enjoy it when Rob preaches. His sermons are direct and insightful and I always walk away from them with things to ponder. Rob's lesson was from 2 Peter 2:9 which says "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light." (NAS)
Rob was talking about this verse as a call to evangelism and he said a couple of things this past Sunday that really stuck with me. Namely that in comparing ourselves as witnesses to the Levitical priesthood we see evangelism in a new light. Rob said that in addition to talking to people about God we need to be talking to God about people! The priests were intercessors on behalf of the people--Christ is OUR "high priest" (Hebrews 4:14) who intercedes on our behalf-- and as a "royal priesthood" WE are called to intercede on behalf of others throughout the world. THAT is an important part of our evangelism. We should be pleading FOR souls rather than WITH souls!
Sometimes (shoot, MOST of the time) I am a very judgmental person. I have to admit that I haven't been particularly touched by the suffering in Haiti, mostly because I think the class of victim that has been created there has contributed greatly to WHY they're suffering. Corruption and laziness have created the situation even more than the earthquake itself did (as evidenced by the difference between what happened in Haiti and what happened in Chile). BUT (and this is the point I'm going for here) Beth's questions today have made me see that attitude on my part is not Christ-like. Christ came for ALL people (Luke 2:10), NOT the deserving. If I qualify who I have mercy and grace on then I diminish God's "good news". It is for everyone, not just those who "work hard" or "deserve" it or "help themselves". If I don't present the good news as God intends it then I become guilty of unforgiveness and am just like the slave in Matthew 18 who did not forgive after being forgiven.
Rob's sermon also brought me back to the lyrics of one of my favorite Wayne Watson songs:
We work the field of souls
together you and I.
Some fields are blooming now,
other fields are dry.
We are not the same
but our differences aside,
We will work the field of souls,
together you and I.
One is off to foreign soil
To work a distant land.
While another labors close to home
And holds a neighbor's hand.
Tell me who has served the Father most?
And who has labored best?
That life devoted to our God,
That devotion will be blessed.
One shouts the gospel in the street
for everyone to hear.
He's bold to everyone he meets,
and the word is loud and clear.
While another cries alone and prays
in silence on her knees.
Before the throne day after day,
where human eyes don't see.
We work the field of souls
together you and I.
Some fields are blooming now
and other fields are dry.
We are not the same,
but our differences aside,
we will work the field of souls.
Together you and I.
SERIOUS food for thought today!
In true Beth Moore fashion she's always asking questions that require a lot of self-examination along with scripture examination. This morning the question that got to me was "What would be different or would have to change about God's "good news" if it wasn't intended for "all people"?"
The whole thought process that this question initiated brought me back to Rob's sermon this past Sunday. Rob (my church's youth pastor) was substituting for our regular senior pastor and I always enjoy it when Rob preaches. His sermons are direct and insightful and I always walk away from them with things to ponder. Rob's lesson was from 2 Peter 2:9 which says "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light." (NAS)
Rob was talking about this verse as a call to evangelism and he said a couple of things this past Sunday that really stuck with me. Namely that in comparing ourselves as witnesses to the Levitical priesthood we see evangelism in a new light. Rob said that in addition to talking to people about God we need to be talking to God about people! The priests were intercessors on behalf of the people--Christ is OUR "high priest" (Hebrews 4:14) who intercedes on our behalf-- and as a "royal priesthood" WE are called to intercede on behalf of others throughout the world. THAT is an important part of our evangelism. We should be pleading FOR souls rather than WITH souls!
Sometimes (shoot, MOST of the time) I am a very judgmental person. I have to admit that I haven't been particularly touched by the suffering in Haiti, mostly because I think the class of victim that has been created there has contributed greatly to WHY they're suffering. Corruption and laziness have created the situation even more than the earthquake itself did (as evidenced by the difference between what happened in Haiti and what happened in Chile). BUT (and this is the point I'm going for here) Beth's questions today have made me see that attitude on my part is not Christ-like. Christ came for ALL people (Luke 2:10), NOT the deserving. If I qualify who I have mercy and grace on then I diminish God's "good news". It is for everyone, not just those who "work hard" or "deserve" it or "help themselves". If I don't present the good news as God intends it then I become guilty of unforgiveness and am just like the slave in Matthew 18 who did not forgive after being forgiven.
Rob's sermon also brought me back to the lyrics of one of my favorite Wayne Watson songs:
We work the field of souls
together you and I.
Some fields are blooming now,
other fields are dry.
We are not the same
but our differences aside,
We will work the field of souls,
together you and I.
One is off to foreign soil
To work a distant land.
While another labors close to home
And holds a neighbor's hand.
Tell me who has served the Father most?
And who has labored best?
That life devoted to our God,
That devotion will be blessed.
One shouts the gospel in the street
for everyone to hear.
He's bold to everyone he meets,
and the word is loud and clear.
While another cries alone and prays
in silence on her knees.
Before the throne day after day,
where human eyes don't see.
We work the field of souls
together you and I.
Some fields are blooming now
and other fields are dry.
We are not the same,
but our differences aside,
we will work the field of souls.
Together you and I.
SERIOUS food for thought today!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
DUH!
It's four in the morning and I wish I had something profound to blog about but I simply don't. I'm very pleased with how well Stephen is recovering but there's simply no way to feel good when you're watching your child hurting.
When Paul was 18 months old he ended up in the Texas Children's ER. The story's too long to go into here but the main point of it is that he had to have an IV and he's an incredibly difficult kid to stick. The nurses at TCH stuck him a total of 13 times, trying to get his line in and at one point as we were waiting for yet another person to give it a try Rick and I were sitting in the room. The lights were out, it was the middle of the night and Rick had fallen asleep. I was sitting on the stretcher holding the baby and praying that whoever they were bringing THIS time would be able to get the IV in and I was crying. I remember looking up at the ceiling where they had put glow in the dark stars and I remember saying these words to God. "Do you know what it feels like to watch your child suffer" and I swear to you that I heard God say "DUH!".
Sometimes we (or more accurately I) lose track of what Jesus really did for us when He died on the cross. It wasn't a quick process and it had to have hurt his Father so much! I know that if I could take Stephen's place I'd do it in a heartbeat and that thought leads to another one. The reason Stephen is going through this right now is that we (and he) realize that he'd be in much worse shape later if he didn't take care of this back problem now. We didn't want him to have a limited future because of chronic back pain. God did the same thing...he realized that Jesus suffering was necessary to ensure a better future..in fact the ultimate future...for his children. The future He was saving goes on for all eternity!
Sometimes when I am sitting in this darkened hospital room watching my son hurting I realize that as much as I love Stephen it's a dark image of how God feels about His children. I read news stories and see pictures of parents crying over their suffering children throughout the world and I'm just awed by how huge our God is. To Him all those people are individuals, not photos. He knows the hearts of every single one of them! How huge is He! How completely beyond our ability to appreciate!
When Paul was 18 months old he ended up in the Texas Children's ER. The story's too long to go into here but the main point of it is that he had to have an IV and he's an incredibly difficult kid to stick. The nurses at TCH stuck him a total of 13 times, trying to get his line in and at one point as we were waiting for yet another person to give it a try Rick and I were sitting in the room. The lights were out, it was the middle of the night and Rick had fallen asleep. I was sitting on the stretcher holding the baby and praying that whoever they were bringing THIS time would be able to get the IV in and I was crying. I remember looking up at the ceiling where they had put glow in the dark stars and I remember saying these words to God. "Do you know what it feels like to watch your child suffer" and I swear to you that I heard God say "DUH!".
Sometimes we (or more accurately I) lose track of what Jesus really did for us when He died on the cross. It wasn't a quick process and it had to have hurt his Father so much! I know that if I could take Stephen's place I'd do it in a heartbeat and that thought leads to another one. The reason Stephen is going through this right now is that we (and he) realize that he'd be in much worse shape later if he didn't take care of this back problem now. We didn't want him to have a limited future because of chronic back pain. God did the same thing...he realized that Jesus suffering was necessary to ensure a better future..in fact the ultimate future...for his children. The future He was saving goes on for all eternity!
Sometimes when I am sitting in this darkened hospital room watching my son hurting I realize that as much as I love Stephen it's a dark image of how God feels about His children. I read news stories and see pictures of parents crying over their suffering children throughout the world and I'm just awed by how huge our God is. To Him all those people are individuals, not photos. He knows the hearts of every single one of them! How huge is He! How completely beyond our ability to appreciate!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Fear Not, God Answers Prayers
Last time I wrote on this blog I talked a bit about the power of prayer. The past 2 weeks have done nothing but reinforce to me how amazingly powerful it is when God's people pray. Not long after I wrote the blog about spiritual warfare I began to feel real peace and the fear was essentially gone. Prayer Answered!
The night before Stephen's surgery he went to our church's Wednesday night prayer meeting with his father where the people who meet there weekly, and probably embody the description prayer warriors better than anyone I know, anointed him and prayed over and for him. His youth group met Wednesday night before his surgery and prayed for him, the choir prayed for him, my prayer partner and I prayed for him, his father and I prayed for him, in fact everyone I know was praying for him. We were praying that Dr. Weinberg would have steady hands, that everyone in the OR would be capable and focused and that everything would go smoothly.
Stephen went into surgery at 8 a.m. yesterday and surgery ended around 3 p.m. Before surgery we met with Dr. Weinberg who initialed Stephen's back (right patient, right site) and told us that his 1st assistant was going to be his boss and the chief of orthopedics (how's that for capable?). We also met the two anesthesiologists who would take care of him and the OR nurse. Prayer Answered!
Right now I'm sitting in room 1106 at Texas Children's Hospital and Stephen's sleeping peacefully. His surgery yesterday couldn't have gone more smoothly. I firmly believe that the care he's getting here can't be equalled. Last night his PCA (patient care assistant) was a young man named Darrell who's worked at TCH for 17 years and he was amazing in how he came in, explained everything he was doing to Stephen and turned him every 2 hours using perfect body alignment. Stephen stood at his bedside around 10 p.m. ( 7 hours after surgery ended) and had a night that was for the most part pain free. Prayer Answered!
*I don't know who invented the PCA Pump (patient controlled analgesia) but I firmly believe THAT'S the person who deserves a Nobel prize for contribution to humanity!
Just a few minutes ago Stephen got back into bed after walking about 100 feet down the hallway and then sitting up in a chair for 1 hour (<24 hours after surgery ended) and he's now sleeping peacefully with worship music playing in the background. Prayer Answered!
Last night I asked Stephen what his favorite verse in the Bible is and he said "well, lately it's been James 5:15" James 5:15 says "and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him." Interestingly, verse 16 was more familiar to me..."Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you my be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." I think I found my "cling to" verses for this hospitalization. The ones I write on the wall and remind myself of constantly.
But here's the interesting thing I notice in those verses, I think they're speaking of spiritual healing even more than of physical healing. The first priority that the verses give are to the forgiveness of sin, they are essentially identifying sin as the essence of sickness because both verses talk specifically about sin in connection with healing. While Stephen and I are praying for physical wellness in many ways the spiritual darkness I felt before the surgery was harder for me. I'm probably the last person in the world who would be a big quoter of FDR but I think he was right on target when he said during his first inaugural address that "the only thing to fear is fear itself". I mean think about how many times in the Bible God uses the words "fear not"! I did a search of the phrase "fear not" and I found out that the specific phrase "fear not" is used more than 400 times (I swear that He said it to Joshua at least 50 of them and Joshua's kinda known for his courage!) so obviously fear has always been an issue. It really is the place where our enemy likes to try to get to us and it's the place where so many of us, especially myself, are gotten to! So...as I prepare to close this somewhat disjointed blog for today all I can think of to say is Fear not, because God answers prayers!!!!
The night before Stephen's surgery he went to our church's Wednesday night prayer meeting with his father where the people who meet there weekly, and probably embody the description prayer warriors better than anyone I know, anointed him and prayed over and for him. His youth group met Wednesday night before his surgery and prayed for him, the choir prayed for him, my prayer partner and I prayed for him, his father and I prayed for him, in fact everyone I know was praying for him. We were praying that Dr. Weinberg would have steady hands, that everyone in the OR would be capable and focused and that everything would go smoothly.
Stephen went into surgery at 8 a.m. yesterday and surgery ended around 3 p.m. Before surgery we met with Dr. Weinberg who initialed Stephen's back (right patient, right site) and told us that his 1st assistant was going to be his boss and the chief of orthopedics (how's that for capable?). We also met the two anesthesiologists who would take care of him and the OR nurse. Prayer Answered!
Right now I'm sitting in room 1106 at Texas Children's Hospital and Stephen's sleeping peacefully. His surgery yesterday couldn't have gone more smoothly. I firmly believe that the care he's getting here can't be equalled. Last night his PCA (patient care assistant) was a young man named Darrell who's worked at TCH for 17 years and he was amazing in how he came in, explained everything he was doing to Stephen and turned him every 2 hours using perfect body alignment. Stephen stood at his bedside around 10 p.m. ( 7 hours after surgery ended) and had a night that was for the most part pain free. Prayer Answered!
*I don't know who invented the PCA Pump (patient controlled analgesia) but I firmly believe THAT'S the person who deserves a Nobel prize for contribution to humanity!
Just a few minutes ago Stephen got back into bed after walking about 100 feet down the hallway and then sitting up in a chair for 1 hour (<24 hours after surgery ended) and he's now sleeping peacefully with worship music playing in the background. Prayer Answered!
Last night I asked Stephen what his favorite verse in the Bible is and he said "well, lately it's been James 5:15" James 5:15 says "and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him." Interestingly, verse 16 was more familiar to me..."Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you my be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." I think I found my "cling to" verses for this hospitalization. The ones I write on the wall and remind myself of constantly.
But here's the interesting thing I notice in those verses, I think they're speaking of spiritual healing even more than of physical healing. The first priority that the verses give are to the forgiveness of sin, they are essentially identifying sin as the essence of sickness because both verses talk specifically about sin in connection with healing. While Stephen and I are praying for physical wellness in many ways the spiritual darkness I felt before the surgery was harder for me. I'm probably the last person in the world who would be a big quoter of FDR but I think he was right on target when he said during his first inaugural address that "the only thing to fear is fear itself". I mean think about how many times in the Bible God uses the words "fear not"! I did a search of the phrase "fear not" and I found out that the specific phrase "fear not" is used more than 400 times (I swear that He said it to Joshua at least 50 of them and Joshua's kinda known for his courage!) so obviously fear has always been an issue. It really is the place where our enemy likes to try to get to us and it's the place where so many of us, especially myself, are gotten to! So...as I prepare to close this somewhat disjointed blog for today all I can think of to say is Fear not, because God answers prayers!!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Spiritual Warfare
As a general rule I'm not a big believer in spiritual warfare. Allow me to clarify. I DO believe that there are times when "the enemy" turns his focus on believers and tries to create discord in their lives but I DON'T believe that every struggle we face is the result of direct attack by "the enemy". Sometimes you're just having a cruddy day and it can be because of your own actions or those of others. In fact my own tendency in the past has been to NEVER attribute my troubles or frustrations to any type of spiritual attack. An attitude I have come to realize is just as wrong as thinking everything is the result of spiritual attack. So here's my question....how do you distinguish between what is and what is not spiritual warfare?
For me one of the most distinctive aspects of spiritual warfare is fear. I'm not ordinarily a fearful person. I tend to be pretty brave and assertive when it comes to things going on in my life but when the troubles I have are linked to fear, especially fear for others, I've found that those are the struggles that truly have a spiritual component. I don't know if that's true for everyone, but it seems to be true for me. I start to envision bad things happening and fear becomes my predominant reaction. Worry and anxiety follow closely on the heels of fear and my mind seems to run in a vicious little cycle that is completely characterized by fear.
I meet with a good friend every other week for prayer and it's really become a special time for me. The last time we met I was telling her about my last blog, about how I tend to picture Stephen's upcoming surgery in such detail and how much anxiety and fear that has produced in me and she said something that really has stuck with me. She said "the enemy is using your knowledge to create more anxiety" that he is in effect attacking me through my knowledge and abilities as a nurse. I had never thought of it that way before but I think she's right.
I decided to do a little more research on spiritual warfare. C.S. Lewis acknowledged the existence of spiritual warfare but cautioned against "seeing a demon behind every tree and believing Satan doesn't exist". I agree with him, and think the truth about what troubles have spiritual origins are somewhere in the middle. But Hank Hanegraaff makes the really good point that "we engage in spiritual warfare simply by pursuing Christ". He also points out that the eventual outcome is pre-ordained, it's a war God has already won! I guess that means that what we're involved in are merely battles, or more likely just little skirmishes! BUT...it's important to remember that you can get killed in a skirmish as easily as in a battle and the fact that the war is over doesn't stop the skirmishes from happening! After World War II ended there were Japanese soldiers on isolated islands who were still fighting, and still dying, in skirmishes for a war they'd already lost.
Even with great thinkers like C.S. Lewis and Hank Hanegraaff I think the last word is best found in the Bible. The Bible makes it pretty clear that there IS such a thing as spiritual battles AND it tells us how to win them! "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 So if our struggles are against such forces as these why shouldn't we see a demon "behind every tree"? The answer to that is in Ephesians also...the 6th chapter keeps going and tells us that we have all we need to deal with spiritual warfare. We have the full armor to "be able to resist in the evil day". As I went through the different parts of that armor the one that really struck me was the shield of faith. Ephesians 6:16 says that with it we "will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one" (italics mine). I really like that thought. That our faith, our shield, the thing that we are actually using as our protection is in itself a weapon. It doesn't just protect us from the arrows of our enemy, it actually snuffs them out!
From there I moved on into the territory of how do I increase my faith? (and thereby strengthen my shield) I think that the key to increasing faith is praying. In Ephesians 6 Paul talks about the importance of prayer, not just praying for yourself but also intercessory prayer, the prayers of others. I know that when I ask my friends to pray for me the struggles lighten and the fear dissipates. And Jesus himself prayed for his disciples "I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one." John 17:15.
Some of the people who read this blog have made a point of letting me know they're praying for me as we prepare to take Stephen into surgery. Words can't express how thankful I am for that and I have only one request to make....keep praying!
For me one of the most distinctive aspects of spiritual warfare is fear. I'm not ordinarily a fearful person. I tend to be pretty brave and assertive when it comes to things going on in my life but when the troubles I have are linked to fear, especially fear for others, I've found that those are the struggles that truly have a spiritual component. I don't know if that's true for everyone, but it seems to be true for me. I start to envision bad things happening and fear becomes my predominant reaction. Worry and anxiety follow closely on the heels of fear and my mind seems to run in a vicious little cycle that is completely characterized by fear.
I meet with a good friend every other week for prayer and it's really become a special time for me. The last time we met I was telling her about my last blog, about how I tend to picture Stephen's upcoming surgery in such detail and how much anxiety and fear that has produced in me and she said something that really has stuck with me. She said "the enemy is using your knowledge to create more anxiety" that he is in effect attacking me through my knowledge and abilities as a nurse. I had never thought of it that way before but I think she's right.
I decided to do a little more research on spiritual warfare. C.S. Lewis acknowledged the existence of spiritual warfare but cautioned against "seeing a demon behind every tree and believing Satan doesn't exist". I agree with him, and think the truth about what troubles have spiritual origins are somewhere in the middle. But Hank Hanegraaff makes the really good point that "we engage in spiritual warfare simply by pursuing Christ". He also points out that the eventual outcome is pre-ordained, it's a war God has already won! I guess that means that what we're involved in are merely battles, or more likely just little skirmishes! BUT...it's important to remember that you can get killed in a skirmish as easily as in a battle and the fact that the war is over doesn't stop the skirmishes from happening! After World War II ended there were Japanese soldiers on isolated islands who were still fighting, and still dying, in skirmishes for a war they'd already lost.
Even with great thinkers like C.S. Lewis and Hank Hanegraaff I think the last word is best found in the Bible. The Bible makes it pretty clear that there IS such a thing as spiritual battles AND it tells us how to win them! "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 So if our struggles are against such forces as these why shouldn't we see a demon "behind every tree"? The answer to that is in Ephesians also...the 6th chapter keeps going and tells us that we have all we need to deal with spiritual warfare. We have the full armor to "be able to resist in the evil day". As I went through the different parts of that armor the one that really struck me was the shield of faith. Ephesians 6:16 says that with it we "will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one" (italics mine). I really like that thought. That our faith, our shield, the thing that we are actually using as our protection is in itself a weapon. It doesn't just protect us from the arrows of our enemy, it actually snuffs them out!
From there I moved on into the territory of how do I increase my faith? (and thereby strengthen my shield) I think that the key to increasing faith is praying. In Ephesians 6 Paul talks about the importance of prayer, not just praying for yourself but also intercessory prayer, the prayers of others. I know that when I ask my friends to pray for me the struggles lighten and the fear dissipates. And Jesus himself prayed for his disciples "I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one." John 17:15.
Some of the people who read this blog have made a point of letting me know they're praying for me as we prepare to take Stephen into surgery. Words can't express how thankful I am for that and I have only one request to make....keep praying!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Peace of God
If you read my last blog entry you know that the biggest thing on my mind right now is Stephen's surgery.
When Paul had open-heart surgery in 2000 Rick and I approached the whole thing with different attitudes, mainly because we had different visualizations of what was going to happen there. Rick's thought processes went something like "they're going to operate on his heart and he'll be all better" while my brain was saying "First they'll paralyze him and put a tube down his throat and hook it up to a machine to breathe for him. Then they're going to cut through his sternum and spread his ribcage open, then they're going to put him on a machine to pump his blood and stop his heart. Then they will cut his heart open and try to rebuild from scratch valves that don't really exist and after they do that they will try to repair holes in his heart. Once that's all done they'll shock his heart into beating again and restore the blood circulation so that his heart is pumping it again. Then they'll check to make sure that none of the sutures are leaking and once they feel like things are working then they'll insert giant tubes into his pericardial cavity to drain excess fluid and blood, wire his sternum shut and close his skin. After that they'll bring him out to the ICU where the machine will continue to breathe for him while he wakes up. He'll have a line in his artery monitoring his blood pressure and a line into his heart monitoring his heart pressures and those things will be taken away gradually once he's stable." Are you getting the picture here of how I envision surgery compared to how Rick (and everyone else in our family)does????
So...on to Stephen. While Rick is thinking "they're going to operate on his back and he'll be all better" my brain is going "First they'll paralyze him and put a tube down his throat....".
Right now the verse I'm clinging to is from Philippians, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
This isn't the first time I've clung to that verse and the last time it was my lifeline something in particular really struck me about it. The words "with thanksgiving". I found that when I start to thank the Lord for all the things I have to be thankful for my anxiety level goes down and the peace of God really does seem to descend on me. So....here goes my thank you list:
I thank you Lord for....
Texas Children's Hospital and the doctor's and nurses who care for my son
Dr. Weinberg
The fact that Rick has a job that provides good insurance
That Stephen's back injury is treatable
That Stephen is otherwise healthy
Family and friends who pray
People who will listen to me rant and rave
The assurance that You are always in control
The school district's working with us so Stephen can keep up in school
Hannah Lechmann and the fact that she's going to help with Paul
The list could and does go on and on.....Thank you Lord, I'm starting to feel some of that peace!!!
When Paul had open-heart surgery in 2000 Rick and I approached the whole thing with different attitudes, mainly because we had different visualizations of what was going to happen there. Rick's thought processes went something like "they're going to operate on his heart and he'll be all better" while my brain was saying "First they'll paralyze him and put a tube down his throat and hook it up to a machine to breathe for him. Then they're going to cut through his sternum and spread his ribcage open, then they're going to put him on a machine to pump his blood and stop his heart. Then they will cut his heart open and try to rebuild from scratch valves that don't really exist and after they do that they will try to repair holes in his heart. Once that's all done they'll shock his heart into beating again and restore the blood circulation so that his heart is pumping it again. Then they'll check to make sure that none of the sutures are leaking and once they feel like things are working then they'll insert giant tubes into his pericardial cavity to drain excess fluid and blood, wire his sternum shut and close his skin. After that they'll bring him out to the ICU where the machine will continue to breathe for him while he wakes up. He'll have a line in his artery monitoring his blood pressure and a line into his heart monitoring his heart pressures and those things will be taken away gradually once he's stable." Are you getting the picture here of how I envision surgery compared to how Rick (and everyone else in our family)does????
So...on to Stephen. While Rick is thinking "they're going to operate on his back and he'll be all better" my brain is going "First they'll paralyze him and put a tube down his throat....".
Right now the verse I'm clinging to is from Philippians, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
This isn't the first time I've clung to that verse and the last time it was my lifeline something in particular really struck me about it. The words "with thanksgiving". I found that when I start to thank the Lord for all the things I have to be thankful for my anxiety level goes down and the peace of God really does seem to descend on me. So....here goes my thank you list:
I thank you Lord for....
Texas Children's Hospital and the doctor's and nurses who care for my son
Dr. Weinberg
The fact that Rick has a job that provides good insurance
That Stephen's back injury is treatable
That Stephen is otherwise healthy
Family and friends who pray
People who will listen to me rant and rave
The assurance that You are always in control
The school district's working with us so Stephen can keep up in school
Hannah Lechmann and the fact that she's going to help with Paul
The list could and does go on and on.....Thank you Lord, I'm starting to feel some of that peace!!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Taking blame
Right now I am pretty much wracked with guilt, and a little tired of people who tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. You see, my oldest son Stephen is going to have back surgery on February 4th and I feel, not unjustifiably, that it is my fault.
One of the side effects (if you'll forgive me a medical term) of being an ICU/ER nurse is that you tend to minimize complaints from your own family. I've been repeatedly guilty of listening to my husband and children's health woes with the attitude of "yeah right, call me when you're dying". When Stephen was in 7th grade he started to complain of back pain, usually when I wanted him to do some type of work, (so maybe I have a BIT of an excuse). The complaints went on for a couple of years and at this point a GOOD mother would have thought "hmmmm, maybe I should take this kid to the doctor" but I just kept not paying attention and putting him off. Finally, right before we came back to Texas he was having a physical for a boy scout campout and I told him to tell the doctor about his back complaints. The doctor called me and said he wanted to x-ray Stephen's back. That he suspected something called a spondylolysis. Of course at that point I said "absolutely, do the x-ray" and sure enough the x-ray showed this condition, it's an intrarticulas pars fracture of the 5th lumbar vertebrae. We immediately went to see an orthopedic specialist in Singapore who had a very good reputation and he told me that these types of fractures can be present for years and aren't always due to trauma. In fact some children are born with them. He also said that as long as Stephen's pain wasn't constant it could be treated w/ exercise and nothing else was necessary. The only exception was if the pain increased or was persistent, in which case it could be treated w/ surgery but that was best avoided. Well, Stephen went on the boy scout camp-out and his back seemed to be pretty stable BUT...he did complain of pain intermittently.
About a year after we returned to the States Stephen's pain seemed to persist to the point that just a little yard work or exercise caused him to have pain. He's a pretty stoic kid so he didn't make a big deal of the pain, but it was definitely stopping him from helping out in the yard and he'd often go to bed early saying his back was hurting. So...I decided to have it checked out by a doctor here in Houston. The doctor we went to see had outstanding credentials and he was pretty much appalled that Stephen had been having pain for a couple of years that hadn't been treated. I was feeling pretty appalled at myself at this point too! He put Stephen into a back brace in June (the week before school let out) and told him he'd wear it for 3 months. At the beginning of September the brace came off and within a couple of days Stephen's pain was back (no pun intended). We repeated the CT scan and it showed that their had been absolutely no healing of the fracture...so now my 18 year old son has to have a spinal fusion on February 4th.
I've been doing a lot of research about intrarticulas pars fracture and what I've discovered is that the closer the time of immobilization (the brace) occurs to the actual time of injury the better the chance for recovery. In other words, if I had taken his complaints a bit more seriously when he first made them there's a good chance he wouldn't be getting ready to have surgery now! Stephen, being the absolutely incredible kid he is, doesn't blame me at all. In fact he said "you know mom, I wouldn't have believed me either!" but that really doesn't negate the fact that I didn't take the care of my kid that I should have.
I'm left with the feeling of regret. Knowing that you failed to do the right thing is so painful.
One of the side effects (if you'll forgive me a medical term) of being an ICU/ER nurse is that you tend to minimize complaints from your own family. I've been repeatedly guilty of listening to my husband and children's health woes with the attitude of "yeah right, call me when you're dying". When Stephen was in 7th grade he started to complain of back pain, usually when I wanted him to do some type of work, (so maybe I have a BIT of an excuse). The complaints went on for a couple of years and at this point a GOOD mother would have thought "hmmmm, maybe I should take this kid to the doctor" but I just kept not paying attention and putting him off. Finally, right before we came back to Texas he was having a physical for a boy scout campout and I told him to tell the doctor about his back complaints. The doctor called me and said he wanted to x-ray Stephen's back. That he suspected something called a spondylolysis. Of course at that point I said "absolutely, do the x-ray" and sure enough the x-ray showed this condition, it's an intrarticulas pars fracture of the 5th lumbar vertebrae. We immediately went to see an orthopedic specialist in Singapore who had a very good reputation and he told me that these types of fractures can be present for years and aren't always due to trauma. In fact some children are born with them. He also said that as long as Stephen's pain wasn't constant it could be treated w/ exercise and nothing else was necessary. The only exception was if the pain increased or was persistent, in which case it could be treated w/ surgery but that was best avoided. Well, Stephen went on the boy scout camp-out and his back seemed to be pretty stable BUT...he did complain of pain intermittently.
About a year after we returned to the States Stephen's pain seemed to persist to the point that just a little yard work or exercise caused him to have pain. He's a pretty stoic kid so he didn't make a big deal of the pain, but it was definitely stopping him from helping out in the yard and he'd often go to bed early saying his back was hurting. So...I decided to have it checked out by a doctor here in Houston. The doctor we went to see had outstanding credentials and he was pretty much appalled that Stephen had been having pain for a couple of years that hadn't been treated. I was feeling pretty appalled at myself at this point too! He put Stephen into a back brace in June (the week before school let out) and told him he'd wear it for 3 months. At the beginning of September the brace came off and within a couple of days Stephen's pain was back (no pun intended). We repeated the CT scan and it showed that their had been absolutely no healing of the fracture...so now my 18 year old son has to have a spinal fusion on February 4th.
I've been doing a lot of research about intrarticulas pars fracture and what I've discovered is that the closer the time of immobilization (the brace) occurs to the actual time of injury the better the chance for recovery. In other words, if I had taken his complaints a bit more seriously when he first made them there's a good chance he wouldn't be getting ready to have surgery now! Stephen, being the absolutely incredible kid he is, doesn't blame me at all. In fact he said "you know mom, I wouldn't have believed me either!" but that really doesn't negate the fact that I didn't take the care of my kid that I should have.
I'm left with the feeling of regret. Knowing that you failed to do the right thing is so painful.
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